As Life Goes On

I haven't posted in a long time, and for that I apologize-I wanted to write and let you all know how I'm feeling, but have been afraid of the reaction. Many of you may think I'm doing worse than I was a year ago, or even two years ago when we lost our sons. I say no. The acute pain I want to tell you about is present every day, and shows itself in the most unexpected ways that surprise even me. Like watching Kelvin play with Trixie and realizing there should be little boys toddling around the grass after them. Or the pain at realizing that my babies aren't babies anymore. That hit me at the Memorial Day parade as I watched three children born within a few months of my sons running, not toddling, across the grass in the town square, talking and laughing.



The other pain is the way time ticks on and we still find ourselves childless, counting the flow of time by the number of babies that are born to other mothers. Some of these pregnancies are unexpected and marginally welcomed, while others heralded as a great favor from the Lord: "For this child I prayed". Please do not misunderstand me. I am thankful for all these new lives, and am thankful for praying parents who give the desires of the hearts to the Lord. And I'm thankful that He answers prayers. It just sounds like somehow those of us that have prayed and prayed without evidence of an answer aren't praying hard enough, fervently enough or that we have some hidden sin in our lives that keeps the Lord from answering our payers. No! God doesn't answer our prayers based on the effort put forth. The Bible says He sends rain on the just and the unjust. We all need to pray for our children-not just that they will be born, but that they will serve the Lord all their days. Remember, when Hannah in the Bible said "For this child I prayed" she proceeded to make good on her promise to give her son to God to be used by Him all of his life. Hannah didn't pray selfishly, that she would have her child at her feet to comfort her in her old age, she gave Samuel away. In the same way we need to give our child (our hopes, dreams, and plans for the future) to God. The most important thing is that our child glorify God, and although we are the instrument that the may use in shaping our child, it is ultimately up to God whether our child is saved and what they do with their lives. What freedom comes in the knowing of these truth.



As we continue to wait for God to bless us with a child, I wonder if it will ever happen. If we already had all the children we will have. Some days I find it hard to see the point in getting up and working. I don't see a future. I see the pain in the past and it feels like it will never leave. Some days I wonder what it was like living without pain. It has become a part of me. Sometimes the memory of my boys is soft and comforting. Some days the pain is sharp. Sometimes I'm jealous of the other mothers that have lost children-that now have a new baby in their arms or older children to hold. It seems a two-fold loss to lose both your children AND struggle with infertility. Yet I know we are not alone. There are many other couples that struggle with infertility that would give their eye teeth to have a child, even if it meant burying their child within days of it's birth. Infertility is an often overlooked pain, and I am here to tell you I empathize with you. The struggle is painful. Time is an enemy; it never goes fast enough, it never slows down.



I know many of you pray for us. We are so thankful. We covet the prayers of God's people. We pray for you, knowing it isn't easy raising children or being parents. We are so very thankful for our friends; so many of you show us love everyday. Thank you.